IN Between..............

It’s Christmas time! ……..guess you’d say yea we know that!
Everyone is agog about the Christmas season…….
One cannot pretend to be immune to all the magic around......
Not with the dramatic lightnings, Christmas trees & all the décor I see at night

I've been hearing comments like Christmas is in the air! I hear xmas carols, all the lined up programmes etc……..
People are asking me, what're you doing for xmas? What're you giving for Xmas?
As I write, I know many people I want to give xmas cards to, families I would love to bless with something, and some special people in my life I want to appreciate……….

but I am just not excited......, maybe not yet
While I have a lot to be thankful for,….right now I just feel indifferent, is something wrong with me?
I am particularly not excited, and I don’t want to pretend I am.

So?........ I'm working...............
I have deadlines at work all through till the New Year.

But this has triggered something that's been on my mind for sometime.

Do we always have to do what everybody else is doing?

Give cards, send hampers to people u really don’t care about? or distribute gifts to people who already have enough? must I have the new look, new weight, and be in the mood people believe goes with the season?

I’ve got my own ideas of what festive periods should be…Loads of fun!
For me its either you go all the way to have a fantastic holiday or you are not having one!
I hate with a passion a life of ‘in-between’! I always love to go all the way…………

When I say I like to go all the way, I don’t in any way imply or insinuate sex or anything illegitimate........

(I believe in divine restraints, I mean I want to have it all and enjoy all I can within the limits God permits)

I don’t like the ‘half bread is better than none’ lifestyle.

I prefer the ‘what’s worth doing at all is what doing well’
If I can have the stone, why not the whole rock?
If I can hum the line, why not sing the whole song?
If I can taste it, why not savour the pleasure of chewing?

Why just touch, if I can feel and possibly embrace?
Why just take a sip, if it’s possible to have a drink?

Why test the waters with just my feet when I can swim in it?
Why lead me on, on a journey, when you are not willing to go all the way with me?
I just don’t like to stay in between! I love to go all the way!

I always want to be there, whole! with my all! Its either I’m there or here, or no where at all!

If I say I want to work, I like to do a proper job!
If I say I want to pray, I like to do so with all my heart and concentrate!

If I say I want to spend time with you, I like it to be quality time.

If I say I want to play, I really want to without any inhibition, and have a lots of fun!
If I say I’m your friend, I want be your friend with all I am and all I’ve got, I want to let down my guards, be myself and be real with you!

I'm tired of people, who laugh with you, but you’re still not sure of thier real motives
I'm tired of friends that you really cannot see through their eyes,
I’m tired of giving, just because it’s convenient or to impress
I'm tired of paying compliments when you don’t really mean them,...'just to say something'
I’m tired of managing; pretending, hesitating, wondering…it’s not working for me!

I don’t want to just eat, or fill up my stomach; I want to enjoy the food!

I dont't want to say I love you or I like you just to make you feel good! or to get something from you, I want to say it like I mean it!

I dont want to just call you to fufil all righteousness, deceiving u, I want to enjoy talking to u.
I don’t want to buy that outfit, just to buy something, I should like it, it should trip me!
I don’t want to just give you a gift, when I don’t feel it’s fantastic and good for you.
I don’t want to manage people, and pretend they are important to me, when it’s a lie.

I don't want to dress that way, be that way just because of what people would say
I don’t want to go visit those people, just because 'we have to go' and pretend when I really dont enjoy thier company.

I don't want to do it, just because 'that's how its done' or 'we do it every year, every month'
I don’t want to go on a fast just because its end of the year, or its beginning of a new year! everyone is doing it, and it has always been like that……when I’m not convinced I have a pact with God that the fast is a part of.
Tradition! oh my God! It tires and piques me!

I want to have children and really enjoy being their mother!
I want to give and give from the depths of my heart!
I want to serve, and serve whole heartedly!
I want to love God, and love with all of my soul, my heart, my mind and my all.
I want to fashion my life, build my home, and choose my style the way I believe its best for me

God knows I get tired of just being there, and I'm tired of getting tired of just being there!
Mediocrity irks me! false intentions, pretence and all wears me out!

I'm really not impressed with the person I have become; I've learnt to pretend, to send half-hearted prayers up to God, to laugh with people through my teeth, to 'just work' and to just do so many things that I am not convinced of or I dont feel like doing.

I miss that innocent lass that believed all, loved all, and accepted all!

that laughed with all her heart, received all, trusted all! and expected only the best all the time!

Call me indisciplined, with out restraint, un realistic, deviant or crazy…….
I love to feel like the wind, I like to be free!

I want to express myself; swirl, jump, laugh, cry, shout and dance when I want to & feel like!
I want be all I can, do all I can, live all I can, chop all the life I can chop, and die –EMPTY!

Now, I know I’m saying a lot of things at the same time; I just needed to rant a bit…let out some of the many things inside me.
But after all my ranting…………………………………………………………
I guess life is give and take (people love that cliché a lot)
Sometimes we have to learn to endure, accept somethings we cannot change, pretend a little (I know its called diplomacy),

And all I wanted to say from the beginning of this post is that; from my heart, I really wish for you and my self a very, very, very, very blissfully memorable Christmas!!!!
Joyeux noel!